Behind Closed Doors
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: Just as he’s about to enter Colonel Mustang's office, Havoc hears something that he probably shouldn't have. Something... dirty. Rated for innuendo and mild swearing. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, nor do I own the characters. Thanks for your concern...

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**Behind Closed Doors**

Whistling, Havoc strode down the hallway, paperwork in hand. All he had to do was have the Colonel sign off and he'd be free for the rest of the day. "Can't get any better than this," he thought as he raised his hand to knock on the door.

"Wait, sir!" Lieutenant Hawkeye's voice echoed from inside. Havoc froze, listening intently even as he scolded himself for doing so. "Sir, I really don't think now's the time for that."

"Why not?" came the Colonel's casual reply. "No one's going to know about it. And even if someone does find out, I'm pretty high up in the chain of command. Something could be arranged so no one hears about it."

Jean frowned. What the hell could they be talking about? As soon as he thought about it, his mind immediately submerged itself in dirty thoughts. This was too juicy to interrupt. He let his hand drop to his side as he attempted to get into a more comfortable position against the doorjamb.

"So, are we going to do it, or what?" Roy was saying.

Riza's noisy sigh was audible. "Fine. Let me just get ready."

Havoc giggled to himself and was about to take a front-row seat when a voice said, "What're ya doing, Lieutenant?" With a small yip, Jean leapt about three feet in the air, then wheeled around to hush the man behind him. It was Breda.

"Shh…," Havoc said, giving his friend a face full of spit. "Just sit down and listen to this."

"Listen to wha—"

"Come on. Let's do it before someone catches us," came Roy's playful voice through the door.

"Fine. I'm ready, sir."

Jean smiled while his comrade's mouth made an understanding 'o' shape. "Are they really going to do it?" he whispered, but Jean hushed him once again and motioned for him to listen.

They could hear heavier breathing coming from the room, and the sound of a desk rattling made it through the door. Both of the men tried not to laugh too hard. Everyone in the office knew that Roy and Riza were going to get together sometime, but neither officer had any idea that they would witness it through the door.

Fuery suddenly walked by, shooting them odd looks, when Riza's voice frantically cried, "Sir, you need to push harder!"

"I'm trying!" Roy grunted back.

The poor sergeant froze in his tracks, his face a furious shade of red. He catatonically turned towards Havoc and Breda, who were still trying to regain control of themselves.

"Was that—"

"Shh!!" Breda whispered. "Sit down and listen!"

The rattling suddenly stopped, and there was a moment of quiet as Riza and Roy caught their breath.

"Sir, should we try it somewhere else?" Riza sighed suddenly.

"I don't know. Maybe by the couch?"

"Fine. Let's do it."

Fuery gave a nervous giggle, and in that moment, Hughes and Falman passed. "What're you guys listening to?" Hughes asked curiously.

"Sir, could you hurry please?" Riza begged, her voice strained. "This isn't exactly comfortable."

"Sorry."

While Falman paled, Hughes smirked. "Finally," was all he said as he seated himself next to Havoc. They all listened in excited silence as Roy and Riza spent the next fifteen minutes doing… whatever they were doing. They were so engrossed in their spying that no one noticed a huge suit of armor and a red-cloaked teenager approach the door.

"Where's Mustang?" Ed asked the five soldiers, all of whom started at his voice.

"Quiet!" they all hissed, pressing their ears against the door. Ed raised an eyebrow at them while Al asked, "What are you guys listening to? Is Colonel Mustang in there?"

"With Riza," they all responded quietly, straining to hear the panting.

"Well, I need to see him, so move over." Fullmetal started to shove the men aside in order to get to the door, and they were all too shocked to react. As Ed began to turn the doorknob, their situation finally clicked and all the men rushed forward… causing the door to burst open.

Someone shrieked. The men covered their eyes, screaming various excuses.

"I didn't hear anything, I swear!"

"Please don't hurt us!"

"I don't wanna be barbequed!"

"We won't tell anyone you and Riza—"

Ed Elric cleared his throat. "Uh, guys…," he said. "You can open your eyes."

Slowly, carefully, the men uncovered their eyes and reluctantly looked towards their superior officer and his assistant. They were standing towards the back of the room, Roy's desk in between them.

"What's wrong, men?" Roy asked, obviously confused.

"We… uh…," some of them stuttered. Finally, Fuery worked up enough courage to ask, "What are you doing, sir?"

"Lieutenant Hawkeye and I were repositioning the desk before you all burst in."

"Then why did you want to keep it secret?" Breda burst out heedlessly. Havoc smacked him over the head.

"Because you're not supposed to redecorate during work hours."

"Oh." There was an awkward silence, as there usually would be when your superior officer just figured out that you've been listening through his office door for the past twenty minutes.

"All of you leave," Mustang said before coughing into his hand, probably trying to cover the color that had risen to his cheeks. "I've got to talk to half-pint here."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL—"

The door shut and each soldier proceeded to run for his life, making a mental note never to listen through closed doors again.

That's what the ventilation system's for.

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Sorry, I couldn't help it... I just love Roy x Riza, but they don't do it behind closed doors! 


End file.
